Dearest mommy died

Ds. A.T. Vergunst | 11 reacties | 07-12-2012| 14:07

Dear Pastor A. T. Vergunst. My friend asked me to forward her question to you. Below you can read it... My dearest mommy died three months ago. And life has become so hard. Daddy and I are taking care of my siblings (11, 8, 4, 3). And I see their grief. How can I help them? My brother (11) doesn't want to talk about the way he feels. But I know he's missing mommy like crazy, just like me. I want to help them all, but I just don't know how. How can I help them? And Im grieving too. Sometimes, life seems too hard to handle. I just CANT live without mom. And God knew it! Why did he allow it? Why was it my mom who got cancer? We can't miss her but we have to, why? I don't trust God anymore since you cannot trust someone who takes your dearest mommy. Yes, I believe that mommy's in heaven now. Forever joyful with God and forever free of pain, but after mommy's death, God disappeared from us. And besides, God could have her for eternity, we only wanted her some more years. Why did God take my mommy? We all need mummy, my youngest sister's just 3, she needs a mommy who takes care of her during the day. And i'm going on 16, I need a mommy too. I just screamed to God: WHY GOD, WHY? But I don't get an answer. I have to be strong, since my siblings need me. But I'm just feeling like drowning in life. Would you please tell me how i can survive? And how I can learn to trust God again? I'm sorry. My Dutch isn't good enough to write everything in Dutch, but I hope Refoweb will just put my question down on their website.

My dear friend and family,

Thanks for sharing your cry with me.  Even though you are far away, I feel very close to you and can almost hear your cries. They have been and still sometimes are my cries and tears. You probably know that my first wife died also when our children were still so young (7, 6, 4, 3, 2) and they needed their Mama as much as you and your siblings do as well as your father needs his wife.
 
Grief is something that needs to be shared but sometimes it is so hard to share. All day long the story of your painful loss and huge empty hole of the place where your mother used to be faces you and your family. Allowing that 'grief story' to come out as much as possible is the best way to help each other.  It isn't wrong to cry with each other. Never suppress the tears. They were made to be spilled out of our eyes in times of grief. Of course, most tears never get wept; they are mourned in the heart. But still, when anyone of your siblings, or your father or you is crying, go sit next to him/them and cry with them. Allow that hurt to shed itself.

But one of your brothers doesn't want to talk and is like one of my sons who never cried or never spoke much about his mother we buried. Until many years later when we moved and I couldn't find him in the new house as we were unpacking the boxes. I found him in his new bedroom, weeping his eyes out. Why? "I miss Mama so much!" Finally, his tears were wept that he had bottled up for many years already. So even though your brother doesn't want to talk or cry, don't think he is not crying within. Still to encourage him to share is good. Perhaps your brother doesn't think it is cool for an 11 year old to cry. Since he is the oldest boy, maybe he thinks he needs to be strong. But then as family you should remind yourself that the Lord Jesus also cried about the sorrow He felt in His heart. Never make your 11 year old brother think that he needs to be big man now because his mother died. Realize also that your brother may feel bad because he struggles with guilt. That’s very common as we think that we didn’t do enough to show love or be good.

I suggest that you start to make together a family photo album book about your mother in which you paste pictures of her life as wife and mother, adding little stories and memories together, also about the story of her sickness and death. That may give your non-talking brother a different and safer way for him to share his grief as he contributes to this photo album. As you are working on the photo album together, you will often cry or weep together because it brings Mommy so close that it hurts even more than not talking about her. I have made this book about Melanie, my wife and even though she has now been out of our family for nearly 16 years, my children are still looking through that photo-album. Ask other people that knew your mother to share their impressions and stories about her so you can add them also to the photo album. This is especially important for your younger siblings that are now three and four for they won’t remember Mommy as much as you would hope they would when they grow up.

Oh, my dear friend, I so understand what you wrote: I can't live without my Mommy! I believe you. It seems nothing is worth living for anymore after such a wonderful person has been ripped out of your life. Now more than ever she appears so special. I found it so hard to accept that we would NEVER see her in our life here on earth again. Even though she lived in our dreams, I imagined hearing her or even smelling her and then again it would hit me so hard: NEVER AGAIN! I think you all are feeling that now also. And it is so hard to miss her while life goes on. Other people are laughing and it hurts because they don't realize that you all don't feel like laughing. I felt even sometimes offended because life was just going on as if my wife wasn't important and as if nobody noticed that she wasn't there anymore. 

So another way I really dealt with my grief is write in a journal. There are many things I wrote in that journal that only God was allowed to read because it weren't all very nice thoughts.  I didn't mean to write bad things but I did write the bad thoughts that often came up in mind. Since I knew that the Lord knew them already I wasn't telling Him anything new but I sometimes didn't feel right to say them in my prayers. The question that you asked "Why Lord?" I struggled with also. Why did He cause so much pain in our life by letting Mama become sick with a brain tumor and taking her away so young (29) from us? I have to admit that I still don't have a good answer on that question.  No, I am not rebellious anymore; have seen much good come of this loss; wouldn't even want to miss the lessons I have learned through it all. But that doesn't mean that the question has really been answered. Of course, we all know that people die and suffering takes place because of our sins. But why don't everyone and every family get the same things? Why are even ungodly and unchristian families blessed with good health and everyone getting old together? If you are expecting me to answer that question, sorry, I can't.  But one thing I don’t doubt at all: Whatever God does, He does it well even though it hurts us!

Still, you don't have to hide these questions and suppress them in your heart. I have laid them respectfully before the Lord although I have to admit that there were times I screamed them out when I was walking by myself in a quiet place. I do believe the Lord heard my cries and He answered me with a different answer than I was expecting, "Take up my cross and follow Me..." I didn't want that answer but still that the only one I did receive at that moment when I so cried out my heart before Him. God gave me strength to take up His cross and I asked them many times, "Lord, what is it that Thou want me to do with my pain, my loss, my emptiness, my hopelessness and deep sadness?" Dear friend, the Lord did answer me over the years with showing me that He as the Potter has a great purpose in bringing us these difficulties in our life, even when we our young. One good reason is that I can try to be little help to you and your dear family.

I am so glad that you all may believe that your mother is in heaven. But your question was also my question: why couldn’t we have her a little longer, Lord? Thou knows how important a mother is for a young family as well as a wife is for a husband with five young children. One answer of course is that I didn't die for her while the Lord Jesus did and so He had more right that I had. But it wasn't until a few months later when I was walking somewhere and looked up to the blue sky, that I received peace in my heart. I was so disgusted with myself and the world around me because of sin. Then when I looked up into the blue sky and thought that my dear Melanie never has to struggle with sin and sadness because she was now with the Lord, then I fell on my knees and said, "Lord, then I don't want her back anymore in this place where all we do is grieve Thee and bring pain in our heart through the sins we commit. I thank Thee for having taking her to Thyself and giving her the best ever." I still missed her and even though I am now very happily married, I still miss her but I don't wish her back anymore. One day, we will be together as God's children in a new place where sin NEVER again will bring separation.

You said that after your Mommy's death, God disappeared from you. Isn't that what it feels like? Still though you may not feel His nearness as your grief in your heart and feel the pain, let me assure you that He isn't far from you. You also may tell Him openly and honestly, "Lord, after this hurt Thou has brought in our life, I find it impossible to trust Thee. I know Thou are powerful and that nothing is too hard for thee so Thou could have made it so that my Mommy didn't die. That’s why I have a hard time trusting Thee. Help me Lord to trust Thee even though Thou goes a way that doesn't make sense right now and maybe never will. Help me not to think hard thoughts of Thee for I think .... (and share your thoughts openly with Him)." I have often found great relief in pouring out my heart to God in such ways. Follow that up with reading in God's Word. Read the Gospel stories about the Lord Jesus and the Spirit guide you through His Word.

This much for my first answer but I am more than willing to 'listen and write.' Perhaps you can write me back and tell me about what made your mother so special. If you rather don't use the Refoweb, feel free to ask for my e-mail address at vragen@refoweb.nl and I will then answer you directly.
 
Warmly,
Pastor Vergunst, Carterton, New Zealand

Dit artikel is beantwoord door

Ds. A.T. Vergunst

• Geboortedatum:
  22-09-1961
• Kerkelijke gezindte:
  Gereformeerde Gemeenten
• Woon/standplaats:
  Carterton (Nieuw-Zeeland)
• Status:
  Actief

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